I closed on my first house on Monday night. Just 24 hours later, my neighbor's tree came uprooted and fell into my new home, completely puncturing and penetrating the roof in several places. I hadn't even moved a single box into the house yet! WTF!
Nothing says "You owe me" like cleaning your friend's vomit out of your car. Until catastrophe strikes. And after a long day of sampling 80 delicious craft beers at the annual Firkin Fest, it doesn't take much for the stars to align.
Most people generally agree that the holidays are a pretty stressful time for everyone. Oh yeah? Top THIS.
Every year, I organize an assault on the upper class by invading their civic fundraisers. Namely, I attend their "Uncorked" wine, scotch, and craft beer tasting event. Now, the point of this event (at least to me and my motley crew) is to infiltrate the holier-than-thous and drink their wine... in the most brazen way possible. We have never been disappointed, until this year.
This past Memorial Day I was invited to experience the awe and wonder that is Dave's Brewfarm in Wilson, WI. I had no idea what I was in for, but our local cigar-loving craft beer authority Hugh Jeffner said I was in for a treat, so I decide to take that horny bastard's advice and sign up.
The year was 1997, and really, I should have known better. But I was a lovesick romantic with hardly any social circles to explore, so I ended up spending lots of time online... playing Starcraft, posting in geeky forums, and hanging out in chat rooms. Naturally, this would be my undoing.
After many false starts, I figured I'd give internet dating a fair shot, but I also set my limits. Baseball has fairly simple rules, so I figured I'd go with the 3 strike rule. Now, I know what you're thinking... But trust me, it's far, far worse.
Farewell, my adversary. You were never all that reliable, and we often disagreed about what was best. But you were always there, like a shadow or perhaps a stalker, so I suppose loyalty was your only noble trait. You always dumped your problems on me, like an elderly cashier at a big box store, and I never forgave you for that. But you did help me move a few times, so I guess you weren't completely useless.
Even though maintaining the company website is the equivalent of 7 full-time jobs, I felt I deserved some time away from the office, acting like a newlywed. Management assured me that they had everything under control and that I should take some time off to enjoy my honeymoon. What they failed to understand is that the honeymoon was in a remote wilderness area, and I would be completely out of communication for 10 days.
I got married a few months ago, and like most weddings, we had a guest book. The reception would be the first (and last) time my darksider death-metal friends would intermix with my uber-Christian family. I thought I had all of my bases covered... but little did I know, that guest book would be a recipe for disaster.
We've all been to terrible weddings; the drunk uncle, the embarrassing best man, the tacky bridesmaids, etc. But this was by far the most unbelievable ceremony I've ever attended, all out of obligation, of course.
Will it break down today? Tomorrow? Will it just keep running? Who knows!?! It's an ADVENTURE! Climb aboard and get ready to play the ultimate game of roulette in this 2-ton death trap waiting to happen! See for yourself, the wonderment that Frost gets to endure every day!
This was what the guys at the tire shop found this morning when they opened the cab of my truck. Yep, that's ALL of my ice fishing gear... including the ice house. The blue ice auger is resting on the dashboard, and there's a six-pack of beer leaning against the steering wheel. How did it get this way? Let's take a walk down memory lane, shall we?
Several people at my workplace want me gone because I've managed to single-handedly develop, deploy, and debug a major website for our company, built on a highly-sophisticated content management system in a matter of weeks. "But Frost," you say, "isn't that a good thing?" Why yes, yes it is. A project this size takes 7 people to succeed, but thanks to budget cuts, I had the privilege of working solo under insurmountable personal stress... and I still got it done. I rule! Management does not share my sentiments.
Tonight I was playing a gig with my band at an Irish pub, and between sets I stepped outside onto the patio for a beer and a cigar with Kisch. A red-haired woman in her 30s pulled up a chair next to me and said, "Don't take this the wrong way, but you're [my real name], right?" Kisch laughs. I'm surprised, because nobody addresses me with that name except my parents and police officers. Everybody calls me Frost. I haven't gone by my real name in over 12 years. I acknowledge that she is correct, strange as it might be.
Four simple screws, and you've got new license plates, right? Guess again, bub.
Last week, the DMV saw it fit to issue me new plates this month, while renewing my registration. The fellow at the counter opened a new package of plates, fished out a set and was about to assign them to my vehicle when he recoiled in horror. "Whoah! I don't think you want these plates!" The number was '666 CYB'.
"Like it matters." I didn't even bat an eye. "My luck couldn't get much worse."
Financial troubles are usually the result of poor consumer behaviors. But in an age where the banks themselves are financially shaky, they just make ends meet by turning on their customers. Just today, CNN reported that banks are expected to rake in a record $38,500,000,000.00 BILLION in overdraft fees this year. But if you are fiscally responsible like yours truly, you should be safe, right? Guess again.
A day often remembered for neighborhood gatherings and BBQs is as good a reason as any for mishap to strike, and last night was no exception. After all, I would have nothing to post about, were it not for my neighbors, my job, my trying patience, and the police.
Before we begin, it's important to note that the transmission on my truck began leaking fluid badly last week, and thus, it is not drivable. My roommate the mechanic is looking into this. I didn't post about this vehicle development, because it isn't terribly interesting in and of itself. But when I am trapped in a place where I can't leave under my own power... now that is where my misery begins.
- My buddy Chad is working on my computer, tuning it up, and helping me get some more use out of the thing. I get a txt message from Curly, a friend who I rarely get to see because her work keeps her traveling around the country. She just so happens to be in my neighborhood at a pub with a bunch of friends. She invites Chad and I out for a drink. I tell her we're busy, but maybe when we're done.
- We finally finish up the computer work, I thank Chad profusely, and he decides to go home.
- I get to the pub, just in time for Last Call. Curly is there with 5 other friends, all girls, all very cute, dressed to kill, with intentions to conquer.
Whoever said "a vehicle is a convenience" obviously hasn't seen any of mine. Engine problems and regular maintenance are understandable. But everybody should be able to park, unlock, and open their car doors without hassle. But who are we kidding? This is me we're talking about! I am not graced with such luxuries!